REAL NEWS. SPICY CAPTIONS.

Here’s some of what’s really good—and what’s really…🤡 —in the news this week:

1. Oh word? Good to know: Republican Mark McCloskey, a candidate for the U.S. Senate in Missouri, would like you to know where he stands on the matter of Kyle Rittenhouse’s guilt or innocence--he supports Kyle--and that’s cool. Issa ‘free’ country and whatnot. Just don’t forget that name during Missouri’s primary race next summer. (NBC Chicago) 
   

2. House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy really tried it last night, and—honestly? (Now, it makes sense why some folks keep trying to make history basically illegal.) Mans really made history trying to undermine the House vote on Build Back Better without ever successfully arguing why we, the people, don't need. everything in this bill! (NPR/CNN)

   THINGS KEV BIG MAD ABOUT:

   UNIVERSAL PRE-K
   FREE $$$$ PER CHILD
   LOWER HEALTH CARE COSTS
   $$$$ FOR AFFORDABLE HOUSING

3. On Behalf of Sen. Bernie, “Bishwhet???” Senator Bernie Sanders was minding his actual business on the Twitter, saying, “the extremely wealthy” should pay their damn taxes so we can have nice things like healthcare and s#it! Feeling TRIGGERED, Elon Musk dared tweet-reply to the senator: “I keep forgetting that you’re still alive.” Musk did just sell about $6.9 billion worth of stock-- which means a huge tax bill is comin’—or at the very least (we hope) something higher than the previous 3.27% rate he used to get. (CNN) 
   

4. Not surprised: Frida Kahlo Shatters Auction Record Held by Latin Artist: Her self-portrait sold for a staggering $34.9m USD at Sotheby’s November Sale. (HypeBeast)
   

5. Unsolved: Two men convicted of a role in Malcolm X’s assassination will be exonerated on Thursday. Malcom X’s murder has been the subject of debate among Black Muslims and historians for decades. The 2020 Netflix docuseries, “Who Killed Malcolm X?,” raised new questions, leading to renewed interest in the case. Only one of the men, Muhammad A. Aziz, is still living. (Washington Post)
   

6. Attention: This is not fake news. Portugal Passes New Labor Law Making It Illegal For Your Boss To Text You After Work. (ShadeRoom). Now what do you think it will take to make that law over here?
   

7. Boy, STOP. While DaniLeigh was catching, apparently, *two* simple assault charges, and being kicked out of DaBaby’s home with their three month old—*takes deep breath*—Olivia Munn (Read: NOT John Mulaney!) has been catching just about all the quips and queries about their soon-come little one, just months after John’s divorce.
   FINE PRINT: We all know what EPITHETS and EUPHEMISMS that girl has gotten comfy saying! ALSO? We all know that’s not what we’re talking about right now! (XXL Magazine • L.A. Times)
   

8. You’re Fired.. Wait. What? Last week Republican from Arizona Paul Gosar posted a violent anime video showing his face slashing the neck of Democrat Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. The House of Representatives is moving to censure aka most severe punishment short of expulsion. And we’re asking-- we know we can pull that sh*t at our job without getting fired- so how exactly can he? SMH and cry. (NYT)